Being polite means being respectful and considerate of others. Telling little white lies is an important part of English culture. In the era of political correctness, the topic of politeness has reached a new level of importance.
At the same time being direct and "calling the kettle black" has its advantages too. Direct speakers take less time and use fewer words to get to the point.
Today I talked to a friend of mine and she told me that thanks to me she became more direct. She sees it as a good thing. In the past, she found it difficult to say "no" directly, and some people took advantage of her. I replied to her that I became less direct thanks to her. I see it as a positive change because in the past I sometimes felt regretful about my directness.
Indeed, often people wonder: how can they be direct and remain polite at the same time? Let's consider a couple of examples.
If a friend asks my opinion about her haircut, which I do not really like, what is better: to tell the truth or to be diplomatic and say: "I like it. It really suits you."? I would tell her that tastes differ and that the most important thing is that she likes her haircut; what I think about it is not really important. This way I would encourage her to rely on her own opinion rather than on others and thus help her develop higher self-esteem.
Another example: a friend of mine from Russia asked me if she could stay at my place for a week. My flat is not big and I really do not want her to stay at mine. One part of me feels the need to be kind to myself and say "no" to her.
How can I say "no" to her and not feel bad about it? I think that the main thing is the way I say "no" to her.
"Oh, I wish my flat was big enough to put you up! Unfortunately, it is too small for two people. I hate to say "no" to you. I hope one day I can put you up when I have a bigger house.” I used a three-step approach:
I start with a positive wish and tone. It would be good to use a soft voice and rising inflection.
Then I say "no" in a firm way. For saying "no", use a soft voice and normal inflection.
I finish with a positive wish. In this, use a more energetic voice.
You can learn how to modulate your voice and use different inflections with the apps Fluent English Speech and 4Ps, Power, Pitch, Pace, Pause. This will help you sound positive and firm at the same time.
In conclusion, I want to say that being kind to ourselves and others is more important than being polite or direct. There is an expression the English use: you have to be cruel to be kind. In other words, being honest can be an act of kindness. For example, a man is in love with you and you are not in love with him. To say the truth would be painful at the moment, but kind in the long run, because both of you will have a chance to be in reciprocal love relationships with others.
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