258.  When Loyalty Becomes Self-Betrayal

Loyalty Without Respect is Self-betrayal

I was recently reminded of this in a group experience that started with joy and commitment, but over time revealed poor communication, lack of care, and pressure instead of support. I stayed longer than I should have, not because it felt right, but because I didn’t want to let others down. I also have a strong principle of completing what I start, and I’m learning that this can sometimes make letting go more difficult.

 That’s when it became clear:

I wasn’t being loyal to a person or a purpose. I was being loyal to discomfort.

 

When loyalty turns unhealthy

  • Expectations keep changing after you commit

  •  Your boundaries are treated as inconveniences

  •  You feel guilt instead of growth

  •  You’re valued for compliance, not contribution

  •  You stay to avoid conflict, not because you feel supported

 At that point, loyalty isn’t strength. It’s fear wearing a respectable mask.

 

The hidden cost of “staying”

 Unquestioned loyalty can cost you: 

  •  Joy

  •  Energy

  •  Self-respect

Trust in your own instincts. I didn’t do that in my latest group experience, even though my body was clearly sending signals telling me not to go there.

On reflection, I also realised the longer you stay, the harder it becomes to leave because of sunk time, money, or emotional investment.

Here’s the reframe that matters: 

  • Past investment is not a reason to keep paying future costs.

  •  Leaving is not failure

  • Walking away from an unsupportive environment is not quitting.

  • It’s choosing alignment over endurance.

 

Sometimes the bravest decision isn’t to push through, it’s to say: 

“This no longer works for me.”

That decision doesn’t erase what you learned.

It doesn’t negate your effort.

It simply honours your growth and promotes self-respect.

 

A new definition of loyalty

 Healthy loyalty includes:

  • Clear communication

  • Care for people, not just outcomes

  • To feel that my time is respected

 If those are missing, loyalty is no longer virtuous - it’s expensive. Before you stay loyal to a person, group, or system, ask: 

“Am I staying because this nourishes me or because I’m afraid of disappointing others?” 

Your answer will tell you everything. Loyalty is powerful.

But self-loyalty comes first.

Olga Smith

238. Freedom or Fear

Fear is an emotion deeply connected to our survival instinct. It keeps us alive in the face of danger—it is natural to feel scared when confronted with a bear in the woods, when swimming against massive ocean waves, or when a hurricane is approaching. In these moments, fear sharpens our senses and prepares us to act.

But fear is not only a survival tool. It is also one of the most powerful tools of control.

Politicians use fear to control voters’ decisions and behaviour, painting pictures of threats and dangers that they claim only they can prevent.

Advertisers use fear in campaigns to control buying decisions—“without this product, you will not be safe, attractive, or successful.”

Parents sometimes use fear to control their children’s behaviour—threatening punishment, rejection, or shame.

Sadly, fear shows up in our closest relationships. My most recent example: just yesterday, a woman who claimed to be my friend told me that if I did not stop questioning her opinion, I would lose her as a friend. Her message wasn’t about dialogue—it was about control. It was an attempt to use fear of loss to silence me. I immediately blocked her because I cannot stand when others attempt to dominate me.

The problem for most people is that they trust others more than themselves. Whilst the best defence against manipulation is self-trust.

How can we develop self-trust? Here is the answer:

  • Questioning: Who is the beneficiary? What’s in it for me?

  • Reflecting:

  • Standing firm in our values

So what can we do when fear is used against us? Here are some practices:

  1. Notice the Threat Behind the Words

  2. Pause Before Reacting

  3. Separate real risk from imagined risk

Red Flags

A healthy choice comes from clarity, not coercion. If you feel cornered, silenced, shamed or “guilted” into action, it is most likely a manipulation by fear.

Fear should protect our lives, not control our choices. When we learn to recognise the difference, we reclaim our freedom.